D-day approaches....

The 2 week wait is almost over. I test for the betaHcg tomorrow. Wonder what the results will be. A positive would be wonderful news, but if its a negative, then I am not going to crash and weep myself silly. I shall take it as just one more thing in my stride. We are in any case going to file for adoption post march next year( when we shall complete 5 years of marriage which is a requirement for adoption in India) and will file papers right away.

I spoke to subu yesterday and that has given me immense hope . She had some great news- her bro and SIL have adopted a baby girl yesterday!! They had been trying for a baby for the past 10 years or so I guess w/o luck; adoption as an alternative had not been considered by them, but when the parents brought it up, they decided to go along and the whole process has been completed in a matter of a few months. And are they THRILLED. And was i thrilled too!!!! Its great news and fills me with hope that when so many are adopting, we will be successful and it won't be too long a process. WE PLAN TO ADOPT WITH OR WITHOUT A BIOLOGICAL BABY OF OURS. which means that irrespective of tomorrows test we WILL file for adoption. So this means that by end of 2009, there SHALL be at least one child at home!! The very idea and thought is so thrilling and reassuring.And maybe with a bit of luck we'll have more than one child at home......God Willing!

How do I feel mentally at this point? well I really do not know.yesterday afternoon onwards I was feeling almost euphoric. That mood did not diminish into a low feeling, rather did last until bedtime. today I feel normal, not too +ve or _ve. In fact I feel the need to be busy constantly. My tiredness had decreased a bit yesterday but I have a dull niggling backache and tiredness today. I have been more active today  than I have been the past few days, but its not REALLY active in the sense that I have not done much physical running around. Just been arranging some papers and updating accounts and files- things that require a little bit of walking from room to room and a fair amount of typing on the laptop. But this has me winded now. The heartburn stuff has reduced today.Anyway whatever is happening Will be cleared by tomorrow. 

I think more than any other emotion, I shall feel relief that finally we have an answer. I have booked tickets for a movie tomorrow evening and plan to meet some friends for lunch on Sunday. will NOT brood if the result is negative and will celebrate with caution if the result is positive.

Whats happening?

Its been a few days since I last posted. And what has been happening in the meanwhile?Much and yet nothing much- really.

@ days ago, I used to feel very tired in the evenings, would need an afternoon nap, etc, but since yesterday, I have been feeling quite fit and fine.But then, on sat and sunday, M and I were out almost all day, and maybe that contributed to the tiredness, whereas since the yesterday I have been not going out at all. Been staying at home, resting more often and doing some stuff around the house. so.... 

No twinges in the tummy area either. Lots of intestinal gas but then I had this even before the transfer.

 

On sunday last(26th) i felt heartburn and slightly nauseous with gastric symptoms all day. i had a very bitter taste in my mouth too. That has almosat gone today and whatever little heartburn and yucky feeling I get is mostly right after I take my 'wysolone' medication( Its so bitter!!). 

So on the whole, I am feeling quite fit, fine and  bouyant. of course I do ahve been weepy moments, but not much. since i do not feel any much of the usual 'early preg. symptoms', I had started to feel that maybe afterall I am NOT pregnant. Read up a lot of stuff on the net, some of them encouraging( things like- some women have NO symptoms whatsoever), some not so encouraging(cannot pinpoint any single one of them though).

I cam accross this following artile which underlines the facts that

1) its not necessarily that women WILL have preg. symptoms

2) some women have NO symtoms

3) Not all women have the same symptoms

4) Symptoms are even more confusing in IVF

Here's the article:-

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Symptoms During and After The 2WW (Two Week Wait)

Anyone will tell you that the most difficult time between ovulation or IVF and the next expected period is the 2WW. Every woman wants definite symptom(s) that tells them that the IVF cycle was a success and they are pregnant. But there is no definite answer to this question because everyone is different and sometimes women have no symptoms at all. There are also many myths out there about how pregnancy feels, causing women to become paranoid with these symptoms.

Most natural pregnancies are not discovered until the woman misses their period (around 4-6 weeks). This is the time when they experience symptoms such as, nausea or breast tenderness. The IVF process allows women to discover they are pregnant much sooner than with a natural pregnancy; therefore, the symptoms might be different and more difficult to pin point..

There is no symptom that will tell you if you are pregnant or not.  The following table lists symptoms that are frequently reported by women during the 2WW at different stages of pregnancy. And remember that you should not over analyze every twinge and try to relax.

During 2WW	3-4 weeks	After one month
Temperature Increase	Missed Period	Lower Back Pain
Temperature Decrease	Vomiting / Nausea	Food Cravings
Spotting	Spotting	Spotting
Cramping	Cramping	Cramping
Tighness in Abdomen	Frequent Urination	Frequent Urination
Twinges in Abdomen	Breast Tenderness	Breast Tenderness
Fatigue	Fatigue	Fatigue
Headaches *	Headache	Darken Nipples
Rash *	Stretching	Stretching
No symptoms	Emotional	Emotional
Discharge	Bloating	Constipation
Night sweats	Acne	Dizziness
		Leg Cramps

* could be caused by the IVF medication

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So, on the whole I am mighty confused . And i now know that the ONLY sureshot way to know is the betaHCG test. That will be on 1st Nov,  sat. I just hope I do not get reduced to a bundle of nerves before that. i Pray to God to give me the strength to accept whatever His will and Plan is for me. amen to that.( I have been tempted to take a home preg.test a cuple of times, but then I remember the promises I made to myself and I just get rid of that thought :) ) 

Today is Diwali, and I am due to go for lunch with M at his sis's place.So i better get moving now :)

Ciao and Happy Diwali 

Roller-Coaster Ride

I feel like a pendulum swinging wildly b/w euphoria and absolute fear/heartbreak. I do not know why, but i feel more emotional today than i have usually done lately.

Today is day 6 since the transfer. I do not know whats happening to my body- sometimes i feel as fine and fit as a fiddle. At other times i start having aches and pains which seem more imagined than real. I do not know whats up.

Late night before last, inspite of my million promises to myself, I found myself searcing google for 'early pregnancy signs and symptoms'.....isn't that just stupid? and that search led to looking for more info about the viability of 3-day vs 5-day blast transfers. And one site said that 5 day blasts have the ebst chances, 3-day embryos have lesser chances. Mine were 3 day ones i guess, or maybe 4 day ones? dunno abt that......clinic wasn't very clear on that one and i never thought to ask. Anyway, this bit of info really freaked me out and i started feeling all of this is going to go down the drain.....I felt scared scared scared!! And then I got ahold of myself by reminding myself that 'if something has to happen it WILL against ALL ODDS, and if something has to go wromg it will against all odds too'. which means that there is just no point in being worried!!

Then, yesterday, i spoke to Dr.S about if i can start getting back to my usual way of lofe, now that 4 days had passed post ET. He gave the Go ahead, so last evening M and I went out for dinner with A( who's visiting from Mumbai) and M and S who are back in town after 2 years. It was fun meeting up with all of them and I had a good time inspite of a nagging backache.

Today mornig, i felt OK, but then dunno what happened, as the day progressed, is tarted feeling low...dunno why- w/o any reason.I guess I am just bored and lonely with nothing to do and nowhere to go to since our driver is on leave 'coz he's unwell. the weather too is very clammy, with overcast skies and its very chold and chilly in the house.

I guess i am sounding too much like a whiney person, and I am not like that really. So timet stop the whining.

I took my last dose of Duphaston last evening( of the 5 day dose).

Thats it for now, ciao and more later.

Its soooo Good to be home!!

Back home- such a wonderful feeling!! We arived here on saturday, 18th Oct. Feels so great to be back home. I had quite a bi of aches and pains - some real some imagined :) - so took it real easy. M helped out a lot- cooked, cleaned, unpacked etc etc and pampered me a lot.

I had a stiff back from the non-reclining seats on the flight, but its better today. Been taking a lot of rest, and moving around just the house. Went out for a late night drive and ice cream on saturday; Haven't been out since then as per Dr.P's directives.

I do not feel any different from before the procedure......and i feel kinda flummoxed about it. But then, Dr.P DID say that i would NOT feel anything and thats OK. WE would know one way or the other only after the blood test results come out.

Oh BTW, now there is a slight variation in my list of resolutions. I shall test on the 1st of Nov as per Dr.P's advice and not the 5th as I had resolved to do. So thats that. Everything else stands.
I am resisting the urge to look up stuff on the internet......i know it shall serve no purpose. And I guess M and I are handling it in a similar and perhaps correct way by saying that if it has to happen, it shall, if not then , that that. No trying again and again and again and again........

So as i told dr.P, I am keeping everything crossed- fingers, legs, eyes etc. :P

Ciao for now and more later.

Its done.

So its done----the transfer I mean. After all my apprehensions, it turned out to be quite simple actually. I was on tenterhooks since yesterday evening......kind of wound-up from within. Tried my best to distract and did succeed a huge lot. But kind of broke down a bit late evening; salvaged myself soon enough though.

I had been asked to be fasting since morning today and arrive at the clinic on a full bladder. To do that, I woke up at 5am, finished my toilet visit and then drank a bottle of water and went back to a fitful sleep again. Woke at 7am with a screamingly full bladder :D Passed a lil urine, went to the clinic hoping the procedure would be done ASAp...but...Dr.P had been called away on an emergency and would be late!! Horror of horrors!! When the 'urge' became unberable again. spoke to Dr.S who said go to the toilet, we'll pump you with fluids later. So thats what I did......at 10:15 am.

Dr.P walked in at 10:45am. After the routine sonography, I was put on an IV line. That went on for about 15 mins. Then into the OT. The initial usg showed a bladder not quite full. So Another pint of glucose was hooked up and I was left on the table for a further 15 mins until my bladder would be full. That done, Dr.P and Dr.S took over , explained the procedure and told me they would 'induce' the anaesthetic and then do the needful while I was out cold. 10 mins would be the duration. My last thought before the anaesthetic took over was " I want to bounce back from the anaesthetic ASAP...."

The next thing I remember is being back in the recovery room with M next to me.It was just 1 pm. Exactly an hour from when I had been taken into the OT and 20 mins since the proc. started. In 5 mins I was smiling with glee and almost out of the anaesthesia induced state. In 20 mins I was sitting up , having some tea and biscuits and chatting with Dr.P and M.

By 3:30pm, we were given our final instructions and were on our way back to the guest house. Not bad......

Now , about how did I/ Do I feel throughout.....
Before the procedure, I felt a little apprehensive and a lot of discomfort coz of the full bladder.
Once in the OT, i did feel a sense of being panicked and a little scared.
Post-procedure, I felt a lot relieved- Thank God its over and behind me!! Almost euphoric!!

Now, its 8:10pm and I feel a little tired and the need to get some sleep. Thats all. No other difference.

Oh yes, one more thing. I feel a lot of false aches and pains, thanks to me keeping my muscles flexed and taut.....silly me!!

We leave for home tomorrow. It will be good to get back to my world.

Ciao for now.

If tomorrow comes......

Ok, so the D-day is tomorrow.....and I have been feeling an increasing sense of fear since yesterday- fear of the procedure tomorrow- what if it hurts?/ what if i am unable to be back to normal ASAP?/ what if I am too sick to travel back home the next day?...so many what if's....and then, what if at the end of it all, this does not result in success?/ what if i find that all this has been in vain?....so many what if's!!!!

I have been reading up on the ET process and the 2 week wait period thereafter until one gets to know for sure, and I find that there is just no one way that women feel/act/think about/behave etc during this period. There is just no standard answer or way of feeling or way of thngs happening. What IS certain is the UNCERTAINITY and the fact that ANYTHING and EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE......not a bad thought at all.

M is very chilled out about it all and says I should not be apprehensive at all since Dr.P is handling it all, so just go with him and trust him. And if this does not result in our expected level of 'success', then well- too bad but its not the end of the world; what to do next we'll think about when we have to think about. In my earlier avatar, I guess I would have begrudged him this kind of attitude, saying that he is acting callous, that he doesn't care what happens to me, that he does not care for ME.....:) But post-LMF, I can better appreciate this attitude and I know and understand that this is the right kind of attitude to have. It really should not matter what happens, what matters is that we tried it at least once so that we will never have any regrets or "what-if" moments in the future- if EVER!! :))

So I have decided on certain things;-

1) I shall be 100% positive and not be unnecessarily scared about things. I shall NOT expect to be jumping around shortly after the procedure- not even by late evening. If i feel a little unwell, its OK- it happens. NOT get scared by any bleeding etc. DO NOT PANIC!!!!
2) Strictly NO CRYING prior to the procedure not POST it!!!! Focus on feeling fine soon and going home on saturday.
3)I shall treat myself with kindness and love not keep blaming myself for everything and punishing myself.
4)I shall take good care of myself,eat well and healthy, talk to people who put a smile on my face, read a LOT, go for walks, re-decorate the house but do not overstrain myself.
5) NO Home pregnancy tests, blood tests etc before the 5th of NOVEMBER . HAVE patience!
6) I shall not drive M over the top with my fears and tensions
7) I shall divert mind by getting down to a serious job search as well as explore the partnership options with P.
8) I shall take enough rest and listen to good music, watch some good movies etc.
9) I shall work on reviving my garden.
10) I shall work on building better relationships with Apa, Maa, Litu and Lulubhai.
11) I shall prepare for a gorgeous Diwali.

I am my WORD and I shall honour everything of what I say.

Re-typing the last , post- had typed out the whole thing and then dunno what happened it just disappeared.

Its been a week since i last posted and quite a lot has been happening in the meanwhile.

In this period, i kep going for usg's almost everyday.My medications have been tweaked and set as follows:-

Progynova 2mg 2-2-3

Susten 200mg suppositories 1-1-2

Ecospirin 0-0-1

Folic Acid 5mg 0-0-1

Vit E 0-0-1

Wysolone 1/2-0-1/2

Yesterday's usg showed the endo lining at 14 mm. After the usg and after m had given his sample, Dr.S had a talk with us and told us that we need to come in for the ET on friday 17th oct at 9am on an empty stomach and full bladder.He told us initially that a second ET may be needed on the 19th but just then Dr.P walked in and said it will be a single transfer instead of a split transfer. I got thinking about that once i got home since Dr.P had initially told us that we mayb have a split day 3 and day 5 transfer. I got on the net and read that a 5-day blastocyst transfer has a better chance of success . That got me think more n more :) as usual......

So then, M called Dr.P in the morning today and asked why. Dr.P said that initially he had mentioned a split transfer 'coz my endo lining was probably not growing as required, but now that it is at 14mm, it really does not matter and there is absolutely no need for a second transfer.So well, thats that.

My ET shall be as scheduled on 17th at 9am. It shall be under GA since I have an adenomyoma which MAYcause obstruction and/or pain during the ET. It will be short duration GA and should wear off completely within 2-3 hours. So that means I should be back in the room by 2:30pm......not too bad eh ? :))

Keeping everything crossed that things turn out fine and painless.

In other news, I have been having a great time meeting old friends and cousins and gallavanting all over the city.

Now I am looking forward to going back home on saturday.:))

Ciao

Scaredy Cat

I had a moment today. Went in for the routine u/s and Dr.P said the lining thkns. is 9mm.....and seems like the adenomyoma has started growing, it was typical and to be expected.,......I was so flummoxed by what he said that I could not ask even a single qtn.....just went to the conf. room where m was and started to fight back tears. M , who was on a call, could not understand what was wrong.All kinds of negative thoughts started invading my mind.....felt so miserable!!!! And then m said lets talk to the doc and understand what he says, so we went to him.

My greatest fear was that the adenomyoma wud be back to ravage my body with pain and sickness again.....and that is what we wanted clarified....what chance was there of this?he said not a chance in 200- what he had meant was that the adenomyoma was growing and pushing into the inner cavity of the uterus and so the lining appeared thinner, thats all....I was SO relieved! And that was that. :)

I proved to be one scaredy cat today.made up for it by finishing all the tasks i had set myself today and traversing a quarter of this huge metropolis to get them done. Good for me! I quite like this.


Went out to Gateway of India and had dinner at Leopold's and Mahesh Lunch home. Great yummy food. M was disappointed coz he was yearning for a cold can of beer and yesterday was dry day......:)

Ciao for now, more later

The Beginning....?

We arrived in Mumbai today, here for the donor ET.
Met Dr.P today, he re-checked the endometrial lining. It has grown from 8amm on 30th Sept. to 9.5 mm today. Doc said thats good but he was looking at it being 10mm, so has upped my progynova dosage to 1-2-2 until the 8th when i go in for the next scan.

Nothing much to be done this week, except the routine scans to check the endo-lining. They will be retriving the oocytes from the donor sometime arnd the 11th/12th.(she is on day 6 of her stimm. today) M will need to provide a 'sample'.Things shall start moving from thence.They may do an ET on the 3rd day after fertilization and one again on day 5th. depends on the number of fertilized oocytes.

Keeping my fingers crossed. Trying to push out all the negative thoughts.

Keeping mind distracted is IMP. the internet being up is a blessing.

I thrive on hope :)

More On me....

I am determined not to abandon this blog midway, like so many i have seen online, so i am going to ensure that I post at least 4 days a week, if not more.

To record more about me and my condition----

I was diagnosed with Endometriosis in April 2005 after a diagnostic lap. One nedometrioma on the left ovary which was drained and some adhesions. Rt.O was fine. Went on GnRH A injs may/June/July 2005. Periods reappeared in end Nov 2005- painful, then 2 cycles of very light bleeds and no pain at all; then back to very painful periods- so painful that i ha to go on painkiller injs during ;periods. I came to DREAD my monthly cycles.

USG in sept 2006 showed HUGE endometrioma on Lt.O. Laparatomy and left oophorectomy in mid sept.06. Extensive endometrial adhesions- ovaries attached to large intestines, moderate to severe endometriosis.Treatment sept/oct/nov/dec 2006. Periods started from may 2007. BAD pain, back on the painkiller injs., terrible pain b/w periods, elongated cycles, unexplained abdominal pain b/w periods etc etc etc. Multiple tests to diagnose prob, since gynaec absolutely refused to consider re-appearance of endometriosis. after a lot of heartburn and hopelessness, found a wonderful Dr.(P @mumbai) who diagnosed severe adenomyosis on his first scan!!!!

I started to reaffirm my faith in God and miracles. I had almost given up hope of ever being healthy again or leading a normal life. Dr.P diagnosed my problem so accurately and repeated symptoms that were so exact to whatever I had been facing that i almost cried in his office.

Underwent surgery for wedge re-section of uterus, pre-sacral neurectomy, clearing post-operative adhesions and surprise- large hernia of the rectus muscle- which they repaired. In retrospect, all the pain i had been facing for years and years had been actually because of the adnomyotic uterus(which had always been labelled as "bulky uterus with posterior wall fibroid" in every USG i ever had).the pre-sacral neurectomy is to take care of the painful periods. also the severe unexplained abdominal pain b/w periods must have been because of the rectus muscle hernia.

Have had 2 menstrual periods since surgery- once in april that lasted for 12 days- minimal pain and then in end June that lasted 8 days- minimal pain. very heavy flow for 2-3 days each time(more in april than June).

Since i have only one functioning ovary and that too with very less volume, Dr.P advised us to get into an ART program with donor oocyte.Took Zoladex3.16mg injections in mid-June/Mid-july/mid-Aug for supression to synchronize with the donor's cycle. Donor finalized in end August 2008. USG on 28th August showed uterus with adenomyoma on posterior wall and slightly distorted endometriomium. endometrial thickness= 6mm. Dr.P said things as expected, not to worry about distorted endometrium or adenomyoma.

Blood tests on 20th sept.'08 showed S.E2 - 15.6pg/mL and S.LH- 0.1 mlU/ml . Suppression had been successfully achieved and I was asked to go on PROGYNOVA 2mg X3 a day and get an USG done on the 30th of sept to check endometriomium thickness. I was advised to take the FAS kit(antibiotics- 1 day doses) and to start on Folic acid-5mg, Vit.e and ecospirin-x1 each a day.
The FAS kit antibiotics caused low grade temperature and slight nausea which passed in 2 days time.( Started with meds from night of 22nd Sept '08).

I am currently taking progynova 2mg x3 per day( post-B.fast/lunch/dinner) and 1 each of folic acid/Vit.E/ecospirin per day(all post dinner). No major side effects yet, although i did feel extremely fatigued for the first 3 days.

I was a little concerned about taking progynova which is estrogen, given my history of adenomyosis and endometriosis, so thought of clarifying it with the clinic. They reassured me that it would not be too bad. Lets hope so.

The donor will be stimulated from 28th onwards.I am yet to know the details of the egg retrieval dates etc . Will get to know more when we get to Mumbai on the 5th I guess. Until then just got to pray and hang in there. It helps that I feel detached from all this and hope it stays this way until involvement is needed.

More later :)

About it all.....

Its strange that the day i decide to start a blog about my journey in the next few months, I am sick with a fever the cause of which i know not and feeling like a bag of rubbish someone forgot to throw away :))

Ok enough of the chest-beating about stuff- specially because---ahem---- we have faced much worse and urr... going to face much more( worse??)

In brief, I am a 34(almost 35) year old Indian woman, married for almost 5 years. TTC since the last 4 yrs. I have a history of endometriosis and adenomyosis, for which I have had 1 lap and 2 surgeries(latest one in end-march this year), and taken hormone treatment. I am currently starting my IVF journey and so thought of starting a blog . The purpose is to be able to share and vent everything through this and also to meet up with others who are in similar situations as me.

Hope this journey ends in success- whatever the definition of 'success' maybe in this context.

Love :)